Hey everyone. I know I haven’t written on here in FOREVER, I’ve been meaning to for a long time but I have just been really struggling. I’m having a rough night (the worst i’ve had in a while) and I was looking for that loving support of everyone who used to read my blog. My parents kind of sprung on me tonight that they wanted me to go and have a check up at the doctor. I have to sort of face the reality that this is happening and that the doctor is most likely going to tell me I need some sort of help, I am scared to death and am at a loss of what to do. I’m sorry this post is so depressing, but I know how much love, support and strength i’ve gotten in the past from blogging so i’m hoping I may find it again <3

It’s K-Tea Time!

Hello!

Thank you so much for all of your support while I was struggling i’ve really been able to realize that ED is just causing me so much unhappiness that it makes me want to fight even harder!!

Also, I am leaving for Renfrew tomorrow!!! This means i’ll be admitted on Thursday. I am planning on staying two weeks give or take a day. I am going to try to check my blog tomorrow morning but I don’t know if I will have a chance. Also, I don’t think I will have internet access while there but I can receive mail so if any of you would like to write me I would LOVE to hear from you! My address at Renfrew will be…

Your Name
c/o The Renfrew Center
7700 NW 48th Avenue
Coconut Creek, FL 33073

Today I spent most of the day packing which got a little frustrating but I ended up having a good time. This is because my best friend, Erica, came and helped me pack! She is such an amazing friend and person and never fails to inspire me in not only recovery but my entire life! She has a wonderful and optimistic view of the world and whenever I am with her I gain so much motivation to recover!

Also, I would really like to thank all of you for helping me through this process. I know that the preparation was the easy part compared to what I will be facing. But I also know this is what I NEED to do if I want to be able to go away to school and be on a good path in recovery. Thank you to all of you for being so inspiring to me and for letting me know that life without ED is possible. Sorry to make this so quick, but I’ve got to go get some sleep but I am very happy to say that I feel ready to go to treatment and that it is my time, that is K-TEA TIME!

Struggle

Thank you so much for the good luck wishes on my last post. You all never fail to amaze me with the support you always give whenever I need it!

I wasn’t really planning on posting today but I really feel that I need to. I always try to find positive things to write about on my blog and have noticed that I only want to post when something good has happened. However, today I want to be extremely honest and say that I am struggling. A lot.

I had my intake call on thursday, which went really well and I have appointments to get all of the necessary blood work and such completed and I am most likely going to be going to Renfrew next Wednesday or Thursday. Aside from this however I have been struggling in areas leading up to IP in a sort of way. 

(This may be triggering so please don’t read if you think it may hurt you)

 I suppose at first I really didn’t think it was a big deal, but when I decided (and started making plans) of going to Renfrew I began to hear ED tell me that I needed to lose more weight. At first as much as I hate to admit it I agreed with him. I thought the more weight I lost at home meant that I would be able to gain more at Renfrew without gaining too much weight. I know that this sounds completely irrational but it is honestly what has been going on in my mind. Well, it started by just skipping small things, but there have been several occasions for one reason or another where I skip more than just small things and then ED reminds me next time that I can’t have more than I did that previous time. It has seemed to me that the more that I listened to ED (and agreed it would be good to lose more weight before IP) the more strength he acquired. As a result of this, today it really hit me and ED has said I shouldn’t go to IP at all. Now that I have been listening to him for a while now and am “trusting” more of his ways, I am considering his suggestions about IP. I really feel completely defeated and I don’t know where to turn. I feel like ED’s voice is getting louder and stronger and it’s getting harder and harder to fight. And the worst part is every time I comply with his rules, the more power he gains and the more power he has over my decision to go to IP.

I hate to be so negative and to admit that I am hurting this bad. But I really need support. There is a tiny little bit of me deep deep down that knows I still want to get better. But I feel that it is shrinking each time I give in to ED.

I’m really at a loss as to what to do, and I could use some advice if anyone has been in a similar situation…

UNC Recap!

Hey guys!

Thank you so much for all of your encouraging comments about IP, I know that it’s the right choice and it’s so helpful to get all of your support! This past weekend I went to UNC to visit my best friend Katie (yes we’re both Katie) and we had a wonderful time! She has always been by my side and has given me so much support while i’ve been fighting ED. She is always really supportive when we go to meals and everything like that so it is extremely helpful when I visit her because I know she understands how difficult some things can be!

I visited her for two days and it certainly was not long enough! The first day I got in and we hung out in her room and then went shopping at this really nice mall that is by the university. That night, we went to her dining hall and had dinner. She has these passes for visitors and because she doesn’t really have too many other people up there i’ve been able to eat for free when I come! Anyway, we got these really yummy quesadillas with beans, cheese, and veggies! Unfortunately I don’t have a picture But they were really good! Then we watched “Shes the Man” which is older but we still had a good time watching it.  Then that night we went to this adorable froyo place called yogurt pump right outside her dorm. It’s soo cheap too, it’s only like 2 dollars for a nice size yogurt! Heres a picture of what I got…

Honestly, the picture does not do justice to how amazing it was! The brownish colored froyo was chocolate chip cookie dough flavor and the white color was cake batter. Then in the middle mixed in was reeses peanut butter cups.  It was so so so good!

The next day, we went to this park that was absolutely gorgeous. It was embedded with trees and all of the leaves were starting to change colors which made it even more beautiful. It was called “The North Carolina Botanical Gardens”. We had a great time running around taking pictures in the park! Heres a picture…

After the park we went to Whole Foods! It was so much fun!! We found these little apples that were adorable.

Katie also bought a “cheesecake bite” from the bakery. It was pretty funny because when she bought it the man behind the counter put in an extra one and said “Here, i’ll throw in an extra one for your pretty friend!” We were like “Thanks!” and then quickly left because we were slightly creeped out by this strange man. But the cheesecake bites were really good and we enjoyed them later that night. We did some other things and then at night went to her dining hall. We got grilled cheese, veggies, and salad it was really good! I love her dining hall!! Then we hung out in her dorm for a while and later on that night ate something really good! We stole pumpkin froyo from her dining hall and then carried it back to her room!  It melted but then we re-froze it! It actually tasted amazing just like pumpkin pie, i’m glad we snuck it out

The next day I had to leave I was really sad to say goodbye because Katie is honestly my best friend and I love her so much! But thankfully I am able to fly for free and can visit her any time I want. I am already planning on going up again in December! Heres a pictures of us from the weekend…

 

Also, I am really really nervous because tomorrow at 11 is my intake call for Renfrew! I really hope it goes well

IP Update!

Thank you everyone for all your supportive comments on my last post, you guys are amazing!!

I just wanted to give you guys a quick update about IP treatment! After figuring out a ton of insurance stuff we decided that I would go to Renfrew. My mom called today and we’re planning on setting up a phone interview next week! I’m excited to get the process started but I am sooo nervous. Also, it’s really difficult to make any decisions when ED is screaming “DONT GO DONT GO!”. I really need some advice from people I actually care about (all of you) and not ED!!

I am only able to stay for two weeks because I have to finish my term at school with finals and everything. My therapist and mom think that going for two weeks is better than nothing and I agree, but ED keeps telling me that I shouldn’t bother because it’s not enough time! What do you guys think? Is it worth attempting to get as much out of the program as I can? I could really use your insightful advice

Well  got to run, I have to finish packing, eat some cereal and then tomorrow I am off to UNC to visit my best friend for the weekend!!

I hope you all have great weekends!

CANnot is not an option

Hello everyone!

First off, I would like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the support that you all gave me in regards to choosing an inpatient center! I was honestly overwhelmed by the abundance of advice I received from all of you! I am still looking into various centers, but I will keep you updated when I decide which facility is the right fit. I am so blessed to have all of you in the process and I cannot imagine how I would be able to go through it without your amazing support!!!

In regards to recovery and ED thoughts I feel like my mind has been running a million miles a minute! It’s so difficult sometimes to sort through all of my thoughts but I attempt to put an effort into it as much as possible because I feel that when I do so I learn a lot about both myself and ED’s ways. A current issue I am struggling with is ED and his tendency to want to “put things off”. It seems like every time I attempt to make changes ED always tells me that I should wait to do these new things until tomorrow or in the future. Also, ED has been trying to convince me not to go to inpatient. I know that I need to go and that deep down it will help me be in a better place for college but that doesn’t stop ED from arguing with me. I will continue fighting these thoughts because I know this is what is best for me right now. I’ve also realized that I need to stop thinking that I CANT do things in recovery. I need to change this attitude to I CAN do things. Even though I may still struggle, if I alter my mindset I feel like I will be in a better place. Thus, CANNOT will be removed from my vocabulary.

I hope everyone had a good Halloween! I had fun spending time with a close family of friends giving out candy to kids. I loved seeing all of the creative costumes that people came up with! I’ve always loved dressing up as unique things over the years. For example, i’ve been things such as peanut butter and jelly, a “spelling” bee and this year I was a can of coke! (reference to the title of this post) I first wore this costume in high school for our homecoming week where six of us dressed up at different soda varieties and were a “six pack” everyone loved our costumes! We made them out of this shiny material that actually made them look like cans. My mom made the costumes for all of us because she is really talented with sewing and such! Here is a picture of the six of us wearing our can costumes…

(Sorry I cut out their faces, but I wanted to respect my friend’s privacy!)

Do any of you ever have ED thoughts like the ones I mentioned?

Whats the most creative Halloween costume you’ve dressed up as?

I hope you are all having a wonderful day!!

Take me back?

Hi everyone!

I am so sorry that I haven’t posted in so long, I started taking classes in the fall semester at a community college and I don’t have much time between going to school, studying and ED recovery.

Also, I wanted to say thank you for all of the comments on my last post! I have been able to decrease my exercise a lot over the past few months and am proud to say I haven’t been to the gym since I decided I was going to stop in my last post!! I have been walking for various amounts of time and feel that now I have decreased it to a normal amount although I still think it would be beneficial for me to cut it out all together it is at least an improvement. However, I am still working on hopefully stopping exercise all together.

Although this aspect of my recovery is going well, I have been struggling in other areas. I am have developed some OCD-like tendencies and have adopted a very awful schedule in regards to eating and sleeping. I have attempted to change these things on my own but it is so difficult to do. I feel like I really do want to recover and have felt very motivated, yet I didn’t know exactly WHAT to do. After reflection for a while I decided that the best thing for me right now would be to go to an inpatient program. Because I am in school I would most likely only be able to go for about 2 weeks, but I think that this would be really helpful for me because it will get me on a good track for when I go away to a university in January. I know that when I go away to school I will not be “fully” recovered, but I think that with the aid of some inpatient care I will be on a better track and will be more successful in recovery. It is a very difficult decision to make, but I know it is something I have to do.

I was wondering if any of you know or have been to any really good treatment centers? I’ve been researching myself but there are so many it’s hard to sort through them all…

Anyway, I hope that all of you will take me back into the blog-world and I hope  I can find time to post on a more regular basis!